$123,000 Dumbbells, a $69,000 Vibrating Platform, and Other Absurdly Expensive Exercise Equipment

Gym memberships, home workout machines, good shoes, organic foods — being healthy can be expensive. But before you go complaining about the cost of those $150 running shoes, check out these ridiculously over-priced pieces of equipment. While you marvel at their gleaming features, remember the first rule of fitness: All gear works better if it’s made of gold and bedazzled to within an inch of its life.

vibrogym diamondThe VibroGym Diamond

What it costs: Amazon UK lists the regular VibroGym at £9,955, which is in the neighborhood of $15,800 USD. That’s steep enough, but the Diamond version… well, that’s another story. It’ll set you back you $69,200.

Why so pricey? It is covered in 65,000 wholly unnecessary Swarovski crystals, “allowing the vibrating plate to glitter and sparkle.” The logo alone has more than 600 colored stones.

What it does: Shakes you about a bit while you do exercises or pose alluringly on it

Claims to: “Achieve an hour’s workout in just 12 minutes… getting better results with no extra effort or time!” An overview video claims that the purrs of cheetahs cause internal vibrations in the big cats and that those vibrations are why cheetahs are so badass. Regarding humans’ inability to purr/vibrate themselves, the spokeswoman says, “Seems a little unfair to humans, doesn’t it? We have to tire ourselves out in the gym for hours!” Then they bring in some talk about astronauts. Why not?

Target audience: People with cheetah envy, space travelers, people who want to “work out” in heels, and most of all, these women

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 3.36.55 PMHock Workout Equipment

What it costs: Let’s start cheap: Hock’s deluxe jump rope is a mere $375. Stepping up, a 10 to 20 kg set of the company’s Diskus dumbbells with rack will run you $17,675. Think that’s expensive? You ain’t seen nothing yet. Hock’s newest creation are the Goldloft dumbbells priced at 99,000.00 € (aka $123,621 USD). 

Why so pricey? Hock’s products are made of stainless steel, sustainable wood from Germany, and the finest leather. Oh, and in the case of the Goldlofts, 1,000 grams of 18 carat gold per dumbbell with handles of rare Grenadilla wood and personal delivery to the buyer.

What it does: Weighs a specific amount

Claims to: The Goldloft dumbbells are a “design object, investment, and fitness accessory in one.” For that price, they’d better act as a home or vehicle as well.

Target audience: Gold-obsessed pirates, people who too much taste to buy the vibrating diamond machine but too much money to be sensible about how they spend it, Gold member

Range of Motion (ROM) Machines

Most ExpensiveWhat it costs: Despite proudly boasting that it is the “most expensive piece of fitness equipment in the world” (that’s some questionable marketing at work), the XLR8 costs a fraction of what that crystal-studded gaudiness above does, coming in at a bargain basement price of just $13,995 plus $699 shipping. The QuickGym ROM Machine is $14,615 plus $185 in shipping.

Why so pricey? It’s not entirely clear. There’s lots of talk about being American made, shipping in hand-made boxes, and being the heaviest machine on the market (again, the marketing team could use some coaching), but it seems to be the custom-made element that is providing most of the justification for the price tag. Choose your own frame color, seat, and metal finishes and your machine will come with “a rear serial number plate boasting the buyer’s name, date of manufacture, and unique serial number.” People love serial numbers. And there’s a lifetime warranty.

What it does: The bizarre contraptions are like a combination of an elliptical, a stairmaster, a poorly assembled rowing machine (watch the video of the QuickGym machine below, why is that dude wobbling so much?), and maybe like a ceiling fan or something.

Claims to: Both machines claim to allow you to do your whole workout in just four minutes. The XLR8 will “bring you to fatigue much faster than anything you’ve ever used.” With a snarky raised eyebrow, spokesdude accusingly says, “The point is, if you can’t carve four minutes out of your busy schedule for yourself, then your problems go far beyond scheduling conflicts.” He offers to “send you the science.”

Target audience: People who legitimately think they can get fit in four minutes a day, dudes in the midst of a midlife crisis, suckers